Expat Life Is Full Of Goodbyes

The city that we are lucky enough to temporarily call home is a bountiful one that is full of momentum and change. And as expats, we must learn to manage and adapt to the changes that happen around us. One of the hardest changes that impact’s our lives is the feeling that we are perpetually saying goodbye.

Leaving our friends and family back home is tough but it doesn’t end there. The average stay for an expat family in the UAE is 8 years. (www.dec.org.ae). So, once you have said farewell to the family and made the move, you will still have to experience the difficulties that come with the seemingly frequent departure of friends and loved ones from Dubai.

Saying goodbye is hard enough as an adult and for children it can be a confusing and lonely time. So what can we do to help our little ones understand and cope with their feelings when they need to say goodbye to their family or when their friends move on?

According to Dr Susan Linn, the founding director of ‘Campaign for a Commercial free Childhood, helping our children to cope with change is all about laying a solid foundation in which they can confidently express their feelings. Being listened to and empathised with is key.

“Helping children successfully manage the separations that inevitably occur is a good way to help them develop lifelong strategies for managing loss. Let your child know that you hear what she/he is saying. Feeling unheard compounds a child’s sense of isolation.” (Dr Susan Linn).

Read More: Helping Your Kids Transition Through Summer 

Bright Horizons is an international provider of early education that focuses on nurturing each child’s unique potential. They believe that saying goodbye is a lifelong process that does not necessary have to be negative.

“Children may react to change with excitement and enthusiasm, or crying, sulking and even using aggression. Talk to your child about the positive things. Too much talk about how hard it is to say goodbye can sometimes make our children more upset. While we should never ignore our children’s feelings, it’s also important to be encouraging.” (Bright Horizons)

According to Bright Horizons there are activities that you could do with your child that will help them to compartmentalise and process their emotions in a positive way.

Such as, creating a classroom scrapbook, writing a friendship note to departing friends and using art as therapy by painting, storytelling and drawing.

Frequently having to say goodbye is one of the more difficult ramifications of being an expat. But a few simple techniques can help you and your child develop coping strategies that will have lifelong benefits.

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I suspect I’m not alone; data shows that kids between the ages of 2-9 years average 8 disputes an hour, each going for roughly 45 seconds. That equates to about 10% of the time together fighting! More if you factor in extra siblings.  Most parents feel at a complete loss as to how to deal with it too.

Should you intervene? If so, what should you do? Turns out, just as with my Fostering Grit in Kids article, there is lots of research on the matter… below I outline some of the key takeaways for us mamas to help us stay sane and manage the constant battles!

Firstly, is sibling conflict so bad?

Yes and No! Siblings play a critical role in children’s development of interpersonal skills (e.g. empathy), their emotional regulation, behaviour, and mental and physical health. It follows that children who have experienced high levels of negative sibling conflict show poor mental and physical health outcomes. We don’t want to eliminate or avoid sibling conflict altogether. Constructive conflict is important as can help our kids develop effective conflict management skills, help them tolerate negative feelings (e.g. being okay with feeling sad or angry), and build social problem-solving skills.

Should we intervene?

Yes! Parents intervening in a way which helps the child navigate the conflict more constructively helps reduce sibling fighting and leads to warmer and more cohesive sibling relationships. It also leads to better outcomes for each child in terms of how they feel about themselves, better physical health, and better individual social and emotional development. This is particularly the case when kids are little and don’t have the emotional or social skills to navigate sibling battles.

Although the old adage is to “leave them to sort it out for themselves”, research shows that ignoring the fighting, or endorsing some form of conflict (e.g. encouraging them to ‘hit back’), leads to more fighting, a worse sibling relationship, and more negative health outcomes for our kids (both physical and mental health). This is also true for intervening in a way which shuts down the conflict (e.g. “cut it out”) or punishing them for having conflict.

How can we improve sibling relationships?

Every day strategies

1. Treat each child equally: if kids suspect favouritism, they’ll often try and square things up themselves! Treating your kids fairly won’t eliminate conflict, but playing favourites will increase it so it is worth keeping in mind.
2. Watch how you fight: research shows that children fight like their parents! We all hate to argue in front of our kids, but if you do, try and do it in a way that you don’t mind being copied (easy to say, I know!).
3. Introduce systems that prevent regular fights: if there are regular battles that take place in your household, look for ways to fairly split the sought-after thing. For example, could you assign odd and even days for who gets to ride in the front seat, push the lift button, choose the music… the list is endless!
4. Prioritise some family fun time: improving sibling relationships isn’t just about removing conflict. Focus on trying to build a more positive bond and create happy shared memories by getting them to have fun together.

“In the moment” strategies

Rather than seeing sibling fights as something just to endure, try and view them as an opportunity to help your kids build good conflict management skills, and their social and emotional skills (e.g. empathy) more broadly. It is unrealistic to think we will respond in a constructive way to every sibling dispute. But, keep these principles in mind, mama, and when you do have the time, energy, and composure, try to intervene in sibling conflict in a way that:

1. Acknowledges and shows empathy for the feelings of each child: e.g. “yes, it can be really annoying when Jack takes your toy / knocks down your tower / etc”
2. Encourages each child to see the perspective of the other: e.g. “Jill, I think Jack took your toy because it’s the new toy and he wants to play with it too. Can you understand him wanting to play with it?” and “Jack, Jill is upset because she was playing with the toy and you snatched it. You would probably get upset if that happened to you too, wouldn’t you?”
3. Provides each child with an alternative way to respond in future: Children need help working out appropriate ways to be assertive and defend themselves. e.g. “Jack, next time you want to play with something that Jill has, perhaps you could ask Jill…”
4. Shows no tolerance for violent behaviour: while it is important to use sibling disputes to teach positive social behaviours, it is also important that you protect both children and make it clear that physical aggression is not okay.
5. Encourages collaborative problem solving: help them to come up with a fair solution together. E.g. “given you both want to play with this toy, what should we do?” If they struggle to come up with a solution you could suggest something and ask for their thoughts. e.g. “what if you each had a turn with the toy?” Children often don’t want to adopt a fair solution (i.e. they want the toy all to themselves!), so you may need to enforce a fair solution.

Note! The concept of ‘sharing’ is abstract and difficult for small children to understand. At young ages, it is better to stick with ‘turn taking’ as it is more concrete and clear-cut.

While these steps above may sound like a lengthy and exhausting process, it only need take 2-3 minutes. We’re never going to eliminate sibling conflict, nor do we want to. However, using some of these tips could help reduce the level of conflict overall, develop a warmer sibling relationship and positive well-functioning relationships across your kids’ lives.

The post Sibling Rivalry: Tips to Stop the Fighting! appeared first on Sassy Mama.

This is my second Ramadan in Dubai. Last year, I found ordering my flat white behind a black curtain and not being able to eat or drink in public a little overwhelming but I definitely appreciated the Ramadan principle of giving something back. This year I’m totally jumping on board. After all, aren’t the values of generosity and respect to the less fortunate* that underpin Ramadan exactly what we’re trying to teach our little ones – often with limited success (or is that just me, mamas!)?

As with everything it’s always better to lead by example and that’s where Ramadan’s really got my back – providing heaps of small ways to make a difference to the lives of others and improve our own well-being at the same time:

• You had me at hello – even just passing the day and wishing someone a ‘Ramadan Kareem’ or ‘Ramadan Mubarak’ (a blessed Ramadan) is a good way to instill decent manners in the kiddos. Until I started doing this, I’d forgotten how good basic human contact makes you feel – plus my daughter loved showing off her Arabic!
• Keeping your cool – Ramadan Sharing Fridges started in 2016 and (ironically) spread like wildfire. The fridges are open for anyone to leave fruit, water or other small packages of food for tired workers to enjoy when it’s time to break their fast. Last year my little one loved putting together a package of flatbread, water and fruit to deliver to our local fridge and we even ended up hanging around to see people enjoy what we’d left. This year we’re looking into getting a fridge of our own! For more information check out here.
• Making a bigger difference – we’ve decided to take giving one step further and make a charitable donation in the name of Ramadan. To get my mini-me more involved, we let her choose the charity. She picked K9friends, which turned out to be a great choice as for just 370 AED we were able to actually sponsor a dog, covering its food and board for a whole year. Our daughter even got a photo of the pooch she picked. How’s that for a shaggy dog story? Get your own K9friend here.

* In our household, this is definitely me! As a side note, I tried to parachute in on Ramadan for more mama respect and increased tidiness at home and failed miserably. Oh well, you can’t win them all…

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Growing little tootsies deserve very special shoes– especially when they start taking their first steps. If you’ve got a wobbly little walker at home then check out some of the cutest shoes to protect their feet and help them balance too.

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Any parent understands that one of the most trying times in the house is homework time. Usually marked by sulking, excuses and all manner of tantrum throwing because clearly, most kids don’t appreciate the whole idea of studying outside of school. But if you’re proactive and take a few steps to help impose healthy homework habits at home, you’ll be able to wave bye-bye to (some of) those battles, mamas – hooray!

Proper measures should be taken to ensure your little ones enjoy their study time and that they don’t think of it as another moment to be detached from the good things happening in your house. We’ll look at six easy measures to take in order to help your kids handle their homework time efficiently.

Read More: Breakfast For Champions, Getting The School Day Started Right 

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A show of hands, mamas, if you’ve ever been through any of the following with your child:

• Potty training has been a struggle
• You can’t get them to leave the playground/iPad/scooter/toy because it’s time to leave/eat dinner/go take a bath
• They’re about to have a new baby sibling
• They refuse to wear appropriate clothes for a designated activity
• They become upset if they’re working on something and it breaks
• They have separation anxiety when you first bring them to school

All of the above is, of course, totally normal toddler/preschooler behavior. Two-year-olds and three-year-olds have a lot of emotions to deal with. But that doesn’t make things any easier when you’re rushing to get out the door in the morning, or you’ve had a long day at work and don’t have the patience to properly manage a tantrum. Let me introduce you to a 4-year-old cartoon tiger named Daniel Tiger, mamas. He will change your life.

For the uninitiated, Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood is an American television show from the same production team who worked on Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, a beloved American show that ran from 1968 to 2001 and featured a kindly man named – you guessed it – Mr. Rogers, who calmly helped children “learn about themselves, about others, and about the world around them” while delivering an incredibly special “one-to-one affirmation of their self-worth.” (Every episode ended with him looking right into the camera, singing about how he’d be back tomorrow to play some more, and concluding, “Because, it’s YOU I like!” Daniel Tiger concludes in exactly the same way.)

Generations of children in the U.S. grew up watching Mister Rogers (he often came on right after Sesame Street); he was like an additional grandfather who was there to listen and play with in a totally supportive and non-judgemental way.

Mister Rogers has been in the news a lot lately; for one, 2018 marks the 50^th anniversary of when his landmark show debuted. Secondly, it was recently announced that Tom Hanks (naturally, one of America’s most beloved actors) will be playing Mister Rogers in a forthcoming biopic. And finally, given the recent, uh, political climate, there’s been much discussion about how we could all use a refresher in the lessons Mister Rogers taught us about kindness and respect.

Daniel Tiger, which began in 2012 and is geared toward 2-to-4-year-olds, carries on Mister Rogers’s legacy beautifully with its social-emotional curriculum. It’s one of the few shows that’s actually recommended by the American Pediatric Association (the people who generally warn against screen time), precisely because of the important lessons it teaches and the potential for parents to watch along and help reinforce those lessons (more on this in a sec).

The basic premise: Daniel is a 4-year-old tiger who lives with his parents in The Land of Make Believe (on the original Mister Rogers, a segment of the show was dedicated to this wonderful land, which he created using various puppets). Daniel’s father, along with a number of his friends’ parents, was a puppet on Mister Rogers. Daniel’s friends are a mix of animals (a cat, an owl) and kids (including one little girl, Chrissie, who uses crutches and leg braces, and helps teach Daniel about differences).

In consultation with psychologists and various early childhood experts, each Daniel Tiger episode is broken into two parts but deals with a central theme. The first episode of the series, for instance, is about dealing with disappointment. In the first part, Daniel drops his birthday cake and the frosting gets messed up. In the second, he and his friends are having a picnic when it starts to rain. Every episode features a catchy jingle tied to the theme; in this case, it’s When something seems bad, turn it around – and find something good!

I swear, the brilliant team behind Daniel Tiger has seriously thought of every issue – big or small – that crops up with preschoolers. My daughter is very strong-willed and opinionated about what she wears every day. On various occasions she has proposed wearing her bathing suit, her bathrobe, and a heavy wool sweater her grandmother knit her to school. Then she saw the Daniel Tiger episode “Tutu All the Time”, in which one of the characters insists on wearing her favorite tutu to class, and subsequently spills paint on it. Backed up by the catchy jingle Think about what you’re gonna do, then pick the clothes that are right for you!, the episode is all about choosing appopriate attire for the task at hand.

Now, when Maggie wants to wear her rain boots to ballet, or a long dress for playing on the playground, we need only sing the jingle to calmly remind her about what clothes are suitable for that circumstance, and she gets it. It’s amazing, I tell you!

By far our favorite series of Daniel Tiger episodes, however, are at the start of season 2. First, Daniel learns that his mother is pregnant. In the next episode Daniel meets the new baby (the adorable Baby Margaret), and in the third and fourth Daniel has to adjust to living at home with a baby (whether it means getting less attention from his parents, or suddenly having to share his toys).

We showed Maggie these episodes for months before her baby brother was born (Daniel Tiger is an amazing babysitter when you’re pregnant and exhausted!); they absolutely helped her prepare for what to expect, and got her excited for things like visiting her new baby brother in the hospital. In fact, the first time she held her new baby brother, she sang the same sweet song to him that Daniel Tiger sang to his baby sister.

Honestly, if you’re dealing with a certain issue with your child, I highly recommend finding the applicable Daniel Tiger episode. We did this with potty training. The Potty Song will haunt your dreams, but your toddler will also be asking to listen to it on repeat (“If you have to go potty, STOP! And go right away! Flush and wash and be on your way!”). PBS also makes a great companion app for potty training.

There are two Daniel Tiger albums available on Spotify; “Use Your Words” and “It’s Almost Time to Stop” are among our favorite songs to listen to. When Maggie’s playing on the playground, I need only sing “It’s almost time to stop, so choose one more thing to do!” and somehow, as if magically, she gets it and is ok with leaving after a few minutes.

Obviously Daniel Tiger doesn’t stop her from throwing tantrums, or struggling to share with her friends, or sometimes crying when I drop her off at school, but he does make things more relatable for Maggie and gives me a great point of reference. This of course means you at least sort of kind of need to pay attention when watching the episodes but trust me mama, it’s so worth it! Honestly, my only critique of the show is that Daniel’s parents never seem to get angry or upset. Frustrated, yes, but they are extremely even-keeled. So long as Maggie doesn’t turn it around to say, How come Daniel Tiger’s parents never get angry and yell?, I’m cool with it. To be honest, they actually model proper behavior for me, which I appreciate since it’s not like I have a clue what I’m doing most of the time!

Best of all, a good selection of Daniel Tiger episodes are available to stream on Netflix in Dubai (there are even more episodes available on Amazon Prime, and all are available for purchase on iTunes). Give it a watch next time your toddler is struggling with his or her emotions. You can thank me later, mama.

www.pbskids.org/daniel

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